Motherhood

It is cliche-ic to write about motherhood on Mother's day. And I still don't have the right to write on the topic because I don't have a child, nor am I bearing one as to date. This is no greeting nor sharing of experience of someone.

Today, I write on motherhood because I think I am not ready to be one. I am scared of the responsibility.  I'm scared that I could not live up to expectation of being a good mother.  It is too much that someone's needs is dependent on you.  

Somehow, I still don't feel the attraction for children. I have a complicated time understanding them. I have a nephew who, one day wants all your attention, giving you hugs and entertaining you with all of his skills yet also knows how to say no whenever he doesn't feel like it.  He is only 4 but he oftentimes outwit me with his demands and I don't like a bit of it. Ron's niece came to Negros for a month's vacation and instantly I dislike her.  She's 7, plays dolls, orders her Mamita (lola) around, doens't share her food which my husband bought and she gets a hold of the family's laptop amidst her owning a tablet. I don't entirely get allergic reactions with kids. I enjoy their company but once the crying starts or they get bitchy, they no longer interest me.

I see how tiring but selfless  it is to care for a child.  Looking after their welfare, tidying their poops, tending to their bruises,  is entirely intricate. I am scared with all of it.  I don't know if I could handle.

Every night I pray that the Lord God will bless our marriage with a child. We are already in our thirties and I want to spend as much time as we could with our children in the future.  I believe that the early we start, the earlier we would be finished rearing our children, and so we could move on to retiring stress free.  Now, on our 6th month of marriage, we are continuously trying to have a baby.  While others are saying that we should enjoy our marriage as husband and wife, our folks, uncles and aunts are asking of an apo.  But I believe, the Lord will bless us with a baby once we are ready.  Children are blessings and given only to those who deserve them. Maybe the Lord delays his gift because He understands the desires of our hearts more than we do. He is above the norm of the society and what ot dictates. Maybe we are not yet ready.  Maybe His time for us to be parents is not yet now.